Tag Archives: self

Lines

I often wish

that lines

could blur

 

Or sometimes

not exist

at all

 

If only to allow

the idea of

perfection

 

To unravel itself

enough

to admit

 

What it looks like

on days

when

 

The only thing

I really need

to see

 

Is the honesty

of a dirty face

 

And the foolishness

of  my own questions

 

 

-Diana Tan Domantay 04/08/2012

 

 

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Willowy

October 2007

I was losing myself

 

But only

parts of myself

that I believed

I did not require

 

I was losing the proof

of what I wanted

to no longer want

 

Mostly without knowing

 

And without feeling

any of its progress

change me

 

I was still shaped by

who I thought I was

 

But for some reason believed I could even escape that

 

If I let enough go

 

And became

 

willowy

 

-Diana Tan Domantay 03/29/2012

I Used To

Something is happening to me. Internally, there is this change deepening.

I used to get sad a lot, unbearably sad. I used to cry a lot about the temporariness of life and of all of the things associated with life. I used to ponder over how fast everything moved and believed everything was fleeting. I would shed tears as if everything would change its mind and stay around forever instead (if it pitied me enough). I could only write to sort it all out. I could only write to speak to it.

I wanted to know the truth from every person I met. Thanks to my eagerness, I met many people. Luckily, most people were happy to share themselves and I received some rare, beautiful glimpses of the truth I had set out to understand. I miss those people. It’s not that they are gone. I just miss people and the moments I spend with them, though I no longer cry about this.

I used to desperately need people to love. I needed them to love more than I needed myself.

I used to spend my most favorite waking hours lost within this great appreciation of love for another and another. The more I felt, meant the more I was fulfilled. I realize now my own ability to love without details was a great force. But now, even more importantly, I realize how even greater those details can be. Still, I live and learn and love again as those things tend to happen.

I look back now and laugh at some of the ridiculousness of my own thinking. It’s true, I swooned only after finding out the best in another and another. but the longer and stronger I cared for populations beyond myself, suddenly I was the one who was empty. How did overpracticing an act that had always filled me up become what could conquer me?  I guess it was a slow becoming. Now I am finding acts to heal me, repair me to a new, better state of being.

Though through it all, I remember the times in which I would be the sole admirer of the best in another. I used to stubbornly defend what I knew to be true. I couldn’t help it. I had convinced myself. Strangely, those would be the times when I felt the least alone. Deep down I think that’s what I’ve always wanted the most.

It’s funny how your own certainty can make such pleasant company.

-Diana Tan Domantay 03/15/2012

A Way

I am simply lost

 

I admit this and

defiantly do not care enough

to defend it

in any

way

 

I know there is a way to be found

(although knowing is not the same as believing)

 

And I do not seem to be trying to get there

 

For once

I am lost and not searching

for a way

to get further from

right here

 

I will stay in this spot

while my mind goes running ahead

filled with the thoughts and

expectations of what will be

realized when

I am found

 

But the way it will come across

and itself find

 

those places that I wish myself to become a part of

experiences I want to one day own

the person I believe I will become

 

Will ensure its return to me

in a way suddenly

not so defiant

and not so lost

 

 

Inspired by “Shake It Out” by Florence + the Machine

-Diana Tan Domantay 02/29/2012