When I Was Called A Child

 

When I was called a child

I had certain parts of the person I am now

 

On sunny afternoons when school was out

I would lie on the couch underneath the window

 

Look out

and imagine all that I could do

 

Everything I would try to be

 

I would be spectacular

I didn’t believe in failure

or maybe I just did not know of it yet

 

When I was called a child

Say age 10

I lived in a home that defined “home”

 

I was surrounded by family and animals

My parents were there

 

I had both of them

 

In a house with not enough bedrooms for me and my 7 siblings

yet we lived in every inch of that house

 

Whenever I imagined the future

it was in that same house

with all of my family and the animals I kept as pets

 

And I always had both of my parents

 

We were all beings that never aged

but could if we wanted to

 

We could each decide the changes that occurred in our lives

 

And in my imagination

when I was called a child

 

I knew more and more of a happiness

and of a meaning to life

That maybe I just did not know of yet

 

But had already decided on

 

-Diana Tan Domantay 03/19/2012

 

I Used To

Something is happening to me. Internally, there is this change deepening.

I used to get sad a lot, unbearably sad. I used to cry a lot about the temporariness of life and of all of the things associated with life. I used to ponder over how fast everything moved and believed everything was fleeting. I would shed tears as if everything would change its mind and stay around forever instead (if it pitied me enough). I could only write to sort it all out. I could only write to speak to it.

I wanted to know the truth from every person I met. Thanks to my eagerness, I met many people. Luckily, most people were happy to share themselves and I received some rare, beautiful glimpses of the truth I had set out to understand. I miss those people. It’s not that they are gone. I just miss people and the moments I spend with them, though I no longer cry about this.

I used to desperately need people to love. I needed them to love more than I needed myself.

I used to spend my most favorite waking hours lost within this great appreciation of love for another and another. The more I felt, meant the more I was fulfilled. I realize now my own ability to love without details was a great force. But now, even more importantly, I realize how even greater those details can be. Still, I live and learn and love again as those things tend to happen.

I look back now and laugh at some of the ridiculousness of my own thinking. It’s true, I swooned only after finding out the best in another and another. but the longer and stronger I cared for populations beyond myself, suddenly I was the one who was empty. How did overpracticing an act that had always filled me up become what could conquer me?  I guess it was a slow becoming. Now I am finding acts to heal me, repair me to a new, better state of being.

Though through it all, I remember the times in which I would be the sole admirer of the best in another. I used to stubbornly defend what I knew to be true. I couldn’t help it. I had convinced myself. Strangely, those would be the times when I felt the least alone. Deep down I think that’s what I’ve always wanted the most.

It’s funny how your own certainty can make such pleasant company.

-Diana Tan Domantay 03/15/2012

A Way

I am simply lost

 

I admit this and

defiantly do not care enough

to defend it

in any

way

 

I know there is a way to be found

(although knowing is not the same as believing)

 

And I do not seem to be trying to get there

 

For once

I am lost and not searching

for a way

to get further from

right here

 

I will stay in this spot

while my mind goes running ahead

filled with the thoughts and

expectations of what will be

realized when

I am found

 

But the way it will come across

and itself find

 

those places that I wish myself to become a part of

experiences I want to one day own

the person I believe I will become

 

Will ensure its return to me

in a way suddenly

not so defiant

and not so lost

 

 

Inspired by “Shake It Out” by Florence + the Machine

-Diana Tan Domantay 02/29/2012

I Dream of Travel

In places where the weather is always

warm

 

And the ocean never too

far

 

With areas always surrounded by

the voices that do not allow you

to feel

alone

 

These will be the towns I will come to

know as

home

 

Where I will find myself fufilled

by the

sun

 

Rather than wanting

to be

warm

 

I will be

 

 

– Diana Tan Domantay 02/27/2012

Clearwater Beach, Photograph by John Domantay

Love Poem for Deutsch

My hopes are deepened

and on its own

monotony is disturbed enough

to open its eyes

to you

 

And I am healed with you

 

Simply because I do not know you yet

 

You are new

 

And I

 

Cannot be bored

And can only explore

 

How each word of you

is not

 

What I have always known a word to be

 

– Diana Tan Domantay 02/05/2012

Silly

I was so silly with you, man

 

You 23 year old (at the time) man

I told you I missed you when I had known you for less than a day

 

But if I had waited a moment longer

It just wouldn’t have been me

 

It was true though

I did miss you

 

And maybe that was why instead of laughing

You told me that it was okay

 

That it was natural for people to miss people sometimes

 

Then I smiled as if you had just granted me some eternal wisdom

and were lovingly accepting me

 

And were not just being nice to 21 year old (at the time) me

 

I was okay with you knowing that I was longing for you

And I guess so were you

 

Because we planned to see each other again soon

 

-Diana Tan Domantay 01/20/2012

To Frank O’Hara

You breathed notoriety into the beauty

That you believed one person possessed

 

All of the beauty in the whole world was incomparable to this beauty

That you believed one person possessed

 

So much that

you would trade anything for

a moment with

this one person

 

Give it up and

give it all away

 

To speak to this one person over

one common, sweet beverage

 

Dedicated to poet Frank O’Hara, especially for his poem “Having  A Coke With You”

-Diana Tan Domantay 01/15/2012

Gardens

I think about you

at times

when I am walking along

new paths

 

It is sometimes that

these paths

wind to nowhere

 

And sometimes

I am lucky

to follow one

that leads me to a garden

 

Where the smell of flowers is real

 

And where

the world is vastly green and blue

 

Planted in a welcoming quietness

 

And in the yellow daisies

are the whispers of nearby trees

whom may soon bear fruit

 

Though it is impossible for one

to wait

for their readiness

to leave their branches

 

I understand

 

That I must have compassion in my

admittance that

 

It is difficult to wait for something

so sweet

 

And it is then

I cannot help but be reminded

of the countless hours you would spend

in gardens

that look exactly like this one

 

I smile and turn

As if you were there to speak to

 

I forget that you are not here

 

But it is now

I know

if you were

 

You would be waiting

(perhaps more patiently)

 

somewhere just like this

 

 

In memory of my mother who loved gardens

Concepcion Tan Domantay March 4, 1942-July 25, 2001

-Diana Tan Domantay 03/04/2012

 

Unknowing Trade

Now I never will

trade away peaches without knowing

they are gold

 

Until now I never knew

 

Their worth

Their sweetness

Their shine

 

Or the sincere simplicity

I once held at their peak

Of ripeness

 

Which I cannot buy again

But can wait for

 

the honesty

to say hello to them

again

 

Next season

 

 

-Diana Tan Domantay 02/16/2012