There’s something
you still need to brush
with your palms, fingers,
every sense of touch.
Because you did not swim far enough,
for you, I will swim
to reach
what you did not.
Every ocean’s distance
I will shorten for you,
in my small pocket
is a hole to look through.
The view from a ledge
impatiently consumed,
to see, this time
the horizon reaching for you.
For he who wanted to touch the horizon
-Diana Tan Domantay 04/19/2012
I sent you words
that left my door
open to you
They were not easy
but they were
Forward,
honest,
and sincere
And they carried
all of my vulnerability
beneath
their ink
They laid
dried upon
one sheet of paper
That I folded into
a crisp, white
envelope
Which is no longer in my sight
But will soon be
in your possession
For the same mysterious one
-Diana Tan Domantay 04/06/2012
I cannot seem
to break it
In the way
You think I know how
I can offer
only guesses
That result
from no longer
knowing you
at all
My speculations
are those of
A stranger
Whose ability to decipher
is laughable
And solely serves
as a prolonging
Of my hope
to be allowed
to know
For the mysterious one
-Diana Tan Domantay 04/06/2012
I often wish
that lines
could blur
Or sometimes
not exist
at all
If only to allow
the idea of
perfection
To unravel itself
enough
to admit
What it looks like
on days
when
The only thing
I really need
to see
Is the honesty
of a dirty face
And the foolishness
of my own questions
-Diana Tan Domantay 04/08/2012
October 2007
I was losing myself
But only
parts of myself
that I believed
I did not require
I was losing the proof
of what I wanted
to no longer want
Mostly without knowing
And without feeling
any of its progress
change me
I was still shaped by
who I thought I was
But for some reason believed I could even escape that
If I let enough go
And became
willowy
-Diana Tan Domantay 03/29/2012
When I was called a child
I had certain parts of the person I am now
On sunny afternoons when school was out
I would lie on the couch underneath the window
Look out
and imagine all that I could do
Everything I would try to be
I would be spectacular
I didn’t believe in failure
or maybe I just did not know of it yet
When I was called a child
Say age 10
I lived in a home that defined “home”
I was surrounded by family and animals
My parents were there
I had both of them
In a house with not enough bedrooms for me and my 7 siblings
yet we lived in every inch of that house
Whenever I imagined the future
it was in that same house
with all of my family and the animals I kept as pets
And I always had both of my parents
We were all beings that never aged
but could if we wanted to
We could each decide the changes that occurred in our lives
And in my imagination
when I was called a child
I knew more and more of a happiness
and of a meaning to life
That maybe I just did not know of yet
But had already decided on
-Diana Tan Domantay 03/19/2012
Something is happening to me. Internally, there is this change deepening.
I used to get sad a lot, unbearably sad. I used to cry a lot about the temporariness of life and of all of the things associated with life. I used to ponder over how fast everything moved and believed everything was fleeting. I would shed tears as if everything would change its mind and stay around forever instead (if it pitied me enough). I could only write to sort it all out. I could only write to speak to it.
I wanted to know the truth from every person I met. Thanks to my eagerness, I met many people. Luckily, most people were happy to share themselves and I received some rare, beautiful glimpses of the truth I had set out to understand. I miss those people. It’s not that they are gone. I just miss people and the moments I spend with them, though I no longer cry about this.
I used to desperately need people to love. I needed them to love more than I needed myself.
I used to spend my most favorite waking hours lost within this great appreciation of love for another and another. The more I felt, meant the more I was fulfilled. I realize now my own ability to love without details was a great force. But now, even more importantly, I realize how even greater those details can be. Still, I live and learn and love again as those things tend to happen.
I look back now and laugh at some of the ridiculousness of my own thinking. It’s true, I swooned only after finding out the best in another and another. but the longer and stronger I cared for populations beyond myself, suddenly I was the one who was empty. How did overpracticing an act that had always filled me up become what could conquer me? I guess it was a slow becoming. Now I am finding acts to heal me, repair me to a new, better state of being.
Though through it all, I remember the times in which I would be the sole admirer of the best in another. I used to stubbornly defend what I knew to be true. I couldn’t help it. I had convinced myself. Strangely, those would be the times when I felt the least alone. Deep down I think that’s what I’ve always wanted the most.
It’s funny how your own certainty can make such pleasant company.
-Diana Tan Domantay 03/15/2012
